A woman looks at 40.

When a woman looks upon 40, some really strange things can happen. We can just accept it and get on with life or we can fight it. After a couple of tumultuous days, it's become clear to me that I have chosen to do both. Strangely enough, 40 is just a number. Some say it's the new thirty, but clearly it isn't to me. Over the weeks that led up to 40, I have spent time in a hospital, been swamped with photography, felt the residual effects of 9/11, felt kid stress that I never really felt before, felt disheartened by our inept government, wanted to start a fist fight with a guy from CL and P and just generally felt overwhelmed. Life has moved so quickly that when visiting Stew Leonard's supermarket yesterday, the sound of the repetitive mooing animatronic cow made the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge. Holy cow, is this what it's come to?  As the "big" day came and went, I can say that I feel truly relieved that it had passed. A woman builds herself up to the reality of 40. You wonder if your face will fall off from the wrinkles and skin damage as the day approaches. But when it does, you look in the mirror and find yourself  just at the beginning of this stage. No extreme measures need to be taken just yet (just slight photoshopping), but you sense that a storms coming down the road.  Thinking of this, on the morning of my birthday, I set the timer on my camera, looked directly into the lens and accepted who I am. No hair brushing, no make-up, no nothing. This was done considering the notion that i've looked better in the past and will look worst sometime ahead. Why not capture myself today and be at peace with it. After all, Oprah and Martha Stewart grace the cover of their magazine every month, why not give it a try. Somewhat relieved that was done, I would spend the rest of the day trying to tackle other mid-life responsibilities. God there are a lot of them. You can't even count them on two hands, you need to take off your shoes and count with your toes too. As each episode plays out, there is a feeling that I just want to get things right.  For some reason this feels like it's my time to shine and I wont be getting any mulligans. Not since my rowing days, have I felt this so strongly. Really, it's now or never.  In so many ways, I have been given fantastic opportunities to get it right recently. So perhaps this is why 40 came so hard. I have high expectations. I feel potential energy ready to be driven into motion, not just fall silent. To add to it, I carry with me the hopes of success for my children and husband too. In the same breath, I wish the people and friends that surround me can set their pace and find their way.  Were all have to navigate this heavy traffic together.  I guess the miracle here is that although 40 years have come and gone, life feels like it's just getting started. I think I'm fortunate to feel this way. With this milestone, I'm reminded that I don't have the luxury and invincibility of youth. So, I look forward. Someday, I'll look  back when the time is right.  Luckily, Ill have a hard drive full of photos to do just this. For now though, it's about making hay while the sun shines and capturing life one frame at a time.